Culinary arts
by Iseria Dweller
Summary: After being stranded in the mountains & almost resorting to cannibalism, Kurasame hires Caetuna to teach Class Zero how to cook. It should be easy, right?


Caetuna never thought that it would boil down to this.

How old were these kids again?

16? 18?

In any case, a few of them could pass off as legal adults. King looked old enough to pass off as someone around the age of 22 in fact which in turn, gave Caetuna the impression that Class Zero was actually made up of students who couldn't pass the final tests after their second try and failing to find somewhere else to go (yeh, there was the standard excuse of the war and all that jazz. Cid really had a blast LARPing as Hitler and all that), the academy decided to give them a place to stay.

After all, who would deny having free lab rats?

Khalice decided that these dumb...uh...uniquely gifted children (read: overgrown teenagers) will make perfect experimental subjects for some ancient prophecy. Hence, Class Zero was formed.

Now that you get a basic gist of what Class Zero is all about, let's go back to Caetuna's dilemma.

"You were stuck in the mountains for 3 days." Caetuna stared at the whole entire class.

"That's right," Kurasame calmly replied on behalf of his severely malnourished class. "Rubrum managed to locate us by the end of the third day."

"I remembered there were rations...?" Caetuna wondered if the class had even eaten a single morsel of food whilst awaiting rescue.

"There were, yes." Kurasame replied again. "However, we ran out of instant, ready to eat rations by the end of the first day."

Caetuna deadpanned. When it came to magic and the art of war, Class Zero was a brilliant fearsome group. When it came to playing a game of survivor, Class Zero would've probably been the first to be voted off the island.

"There were wild animals there. Haven't you tried hunting them?"

Now, it was Kurasame's turn to deadpan. "Class Zero have no idea how to deal with wild meat."

"In short, you lack of culinary skills?" Caetuna concluded.

"And you have those skills." Kurasame got up. "Starting from today, there will be a two hour culinary art lesson after class. I don't care if the militia breaks through the front gates of Rubrum, you will learn how to cook."

**xXx**

Nine found the idea ridiculous. He was here to be a soldier; a messiah for Etro's sake! Not a damn cook! Sure, they had one slip up with the mountains incident but still! If worse comes to worse, they can all resort to cannibalism, right?

That was Nine's first instinct when he got hungry by the end of day 2 in the mountains. Rem had eaten all of his rations and the cranky excuse she gave was that she was on her month something or so. Nine got enraged and tried to eat Rem. Machina interfered, Nine didn't get to show off his awesome non-existent cannibalism skills, Machina gave Nine a black eye.

That was the 2nd Black Eye Nine had ever since that unfortunate class photo incident. So not cool.

Needless to say, Class Zero had an absolute hatred of mountains and winter. Nine literally got married to the town's only drug store's cashier because he would sneak out and order a dozen bottles of concealer for his poor black eye.

"Take your sunglasses off, Nine." Caetuna crossed her arms.

"But! I have an eye injury!" Nine protested.

Caetuna would have none of it. A few minutes later and one satisfied God of War (now spotting an ultra cool pair of sunglasses) summon, Nine stood behind a stove with a fluffy yellow apron around his uniform.

"I still think this is a waste of time..." Nine grumbled.

Eight nodded in agreement. "Yeh, I mean, this is a girl's job damnit."

Queen glared. "Excuse me?"

"Yeh, you got a point there." King glared at Eight and Nine. "My girlfriend's a girl and she can't even make me a sandwich."

Before Queen can maul her boyfriend and Eight or give Nine another black eye, Caetuna clapped her hands together for a few times to get the class' attention.

"No fighting in class." Caetuna reminded them. "Before we start, I would like to establish a few household rules in here. Number one, leave your weapons at the teacher's desk. Come on, all of you."

Sice was the first one to wail. "That's not fucking fair! Eight has no bloody weapons!"

"I'm da man!" Eight smiled happily.

"Teacher! Sice swore again!" Cinque wailed.

Caetuna wondered how in the world did Kurasame even handled this class. It was like, handling a pre-school class.

"Well, Eight's fists is his weapon." Trey thought hard. "So that leaves us with two options. Eight skips this class or we chop his fists off."

Eight backed away from Trey, nearly knocking Ace who was making his way over to the teacher's desk like the obedient angst filled bastard he is.

"Hey! Don't get jealous just because I'm independent!"

Caetuna slammed her armored fist on the table. "Eight will be partnered up with me at the teacher's station here. In front of the whole entire class with all your weapons."

Eight's eyes grew wider then the size of dinner plates. "That spot's only for sissies!"

"TO the FRONT now."

Eight didn't dare protest after that. He didn't want to end up with another Black Eye like Nine nor did he want his fists broken by a God of War.

After depositing all their weapons at the teacher's desk, removing their uniform scarves and black jacket, Class Zero was ready for culinary class.

Or what Caetuna would label as '2 hours of hell in pre-school'.

**xXx**

"Today, we're going to be making potato crisps." Caetuna held up a huge basket of potatoes and placed it on the front desk (alongside Sice's threatening looking scythe of doom). "The instructions are on the black board. Please collect all the ingredients."

Caetuna had given them the easiest recipe ever.

I mean, how hard can it be for a bunch of 18 year olds to cut up some potatoes, throw some salt and pepper onto the slices and dump them into the oven?

The sad answer is, my friends; it is very hard.

**xXx**

After several hours of mass hysteria, each pair presented their version of the almighty oven baked potato crisps.

Caetuna strode down the class and went up to the first two victims.

Ace and Deuce's potato crisps looked like something one would find in an old refrigerator after a century.

"Is that even edible?" Caetuna dared not try a piece of that...thing.

Ace shrugged. "Deuce said it tastes good."

Caetuna shook her head and moved on. Trey and Cater's food weren't even on the tray to begin with.

"I'm sorry...I got so hungry..." Cater was apologetic. "Me and Trey ate ours up."

Caetuna shook her head. At least TWO of them knew how to cook something edible at this point.

Cinque and Sice's potato crisps resembled an overly tortured cross between a mashed potato and a road killed chocobo.

"The damn potato didn't want to be sliced." Cinque was stabbing at the road killed crisps (as Caetuna would dub it) with a fork. Sice simply shrugged, muttering some excuse about not wanting to be a housewife.

Seven and Nine's potatoes were meticulously perfect. So perfect that it looked like it came straight from the pages of food network's website.

"Seven." Caetuna instructed. "Try tasting one of them."

Seven's perfectly calm expression...dropped to the floor.

"Nine. Eat it or I'm going to give you another black eye." The whip wielder threatened.

Nine, fearing for his beautiful face, obeyed.

"Oh my Etro! Rem! Get the nurse! Get the nurse!" Sice yelled as Nine hyperventilated on the floor.

And that was how Caetuna spent the first day of culinary class; with Nine being hospitalized for a week and half of Class Zero STILL not being able to grasp how to even make a simple batch of potato crisps without murdering someone.

Caetuna wondered if she could offer the meals Class Zero made to Cid Aulstyne. It would be better if the whole entire Empire drop down dead in THAT manner.


End file.
